Joke Thread

[The-Hive]

Today I tried to cook kangaroo sausages but they kept jumping out of the pan !!

 

[jonnied12]

Today I tried to cook kangaroo sausages but they kept jumping out of the pan !!

Kind of like cooking frog legs.

 

[dencal]

The idiot while picking his nose, pulled the lining out of his hat.

 

[Senecio]

As it is just over 200 years from the birth of the great Gregor Mendel, the father of modern genetics, myself, and many of my fellow biologists are just recovering from the hangover from the party. (As the guide in the Jack Daniels brewery said, we don't remember the exact date, we just celebrate the whole month...). Anyway, I thought I'd pass on a bit of philosopical wisdom from the Geneticist community:

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

(Maybe the hangover hasn't quite worn off).

 

[cereberus]

I am embarrassed to quote the joke voted as the best joke at this year's legendary Edinburgh Fringe.




This is not funny - just mildly amusing and hardly even original- I think I saw it on a children's ice lolly stick once.

That shows the sad decline of the Festival, and worse, the way political correctness has so invaded society, to the extent that even jokes are dumbed down to the level suitable for five year olds.

Although I am not Scottish, the Edinburgh Fringe used to have some truly acid wit that was the envy of many.

If that is the best joke a participant at the Fringe could come up with, then please do not attend next year (or ever again)!

 

[elbmek]

I am embarrassed to quote the joke voted as the best joke at this year's legendary Edinburgh Fringe.

View attachment 37452


This is not funny - just mildly amusing and hardly even original- I think I saw it on a children's ice lolly stick once.

That shows the sad decline of the Festival, and worse, the way political correctness has so invaded society, to the extent that even jokes are dumbed down to the level suitable for five year olds.

Although I am not Scottish, the Edinburgh Fringe used to have some truly acid wit that was the envy of many.

If that is the best joke a participant at the Fringe could come up with, then please do not attend next year (or ever again)!

couldn't get past her

 

[scorpioncherry]

Anyone should try blindfolded archery. You don't know what you're missing!

 

[cereberus]

couldn't get past her

yeah obvious even to a 5 year old

 

[Senecio]

Theory is when you know everything but nothing works.
Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.
In my office, theory and practice are combined: nothing works and we don't know why.

 

[Senecio]

Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness:
The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.

 

[Senecio]

Dear Colleague

There are a lot of changes that are taking place across the board as far as
servers & personal computers go. The goal is to remove all laptop computers
by December 2024 and all desktop computers by February 2025 as part of the
ongoing cost cutting around the company.

Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-a-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1 No boot up problems
2 No technical glitches keeping work from being done
3 No more wasted time reading and writing emails/newsgroups
4 No more worries about power cuts
5 Budget savings on Upgrades unparalleled

Frequently asked questions from the Etch-a-Sketch helpdesk:

Q. My etch a sketch has all these funny little lines all over the screen
A. Pick it up and shake it

Q. How do I turn my Etch-a-Sketch off?
A. Pick it up and shake it

Q. What's the shortcut for undo?
A. Pick it up and shake it

Q. How do I create a new document window?
A. Pick it up and shake it

Q. How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A. Pick it up and shake it

Q. What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-a-Sketch?
A. Pick it up and shake it

Q. How do I delete a document on my Etch-a-Sketch?
A. Pick it up and shake it

Q. How do I save my Etch-a-Sketch document?
A. Don't shake it.

Regards
IT Helpdesk

 

[Senecio]

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? 'Feed them to the lions' he says to himself, 'because lions eat anything'. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lion says "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

 

[Senecio]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

 

[Senecio]

A British Prime Minister is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of
patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets the first
patient and the patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain of the puddin race,
Aboon them a you take your place,
As langs my airm."

The PM is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and
greets him. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, but trying not to show it, the PM moves on to the next
patient who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timerous beasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now alarmed, the PM turns to the accompanying doctor and asks,
"What kind of facility is this? Is it a mental ward?"

"No" replies the doctor, "This is the serious Burns unit."

 

[JAM83]

Of course, she would block you. She was obviously testing your logic ability - you should have used the more logical 90+% of world version - DD/MM/YYYY.

Sorry but i'm in America. . We don't use that format, nor do we use the Metric System. lol

 

[JAM83]

Tornado damage to North Carolina Pfizer (Viagra) plant unlikely to cause significant drug supply impacts, but Tornado's will grow bigger now ..

 

[cereberus]

Sorry but i'm in America. . We don't use that format, nor do we use the Metric System. lol

I rest my case.

 

[cereberus]

This joke was voted the funniest joke this year at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah.

This is like a child's lolly stick joke.

If this is the best they can do, it sadly demonstrates how poor the festival is these days.

 

[Dragon Drop]

A man applying for car insurance was told “You lied on your application. You said you’ve never had an accident.”

“I am an expert driver,” he said. “I do not have accidents.”

“But, sir,” said the clerk, “we found out that you once ran over a child.”

“Yes,” said the man. “I TOLD those little brats not to play in my driveway.”

“Well,” said the clerk, “that’s an accident, isn’t it?”

“Absolutely not!” said the driver proudly. “I did it on purpose!”

 

[cereberus]

I am trying to go Green, I converted my van to eclectic. I replaced the diesel engine with a tumble dryer motor, I couldn't get it to start ..... as the door wasn't properly shut. When I sorted it out I took it for a SPIN

An eclectic van - suitable for Oscar Wilde (or similar ilk) perhaps?