Joke Thread

[cereberus]

There are many reasons for drinking.

One has just entered my head

If a fella cannot drink when he is alive and thinking,

how the hell can he drink when he is dead?

 

[elbmek]

I'll drink to that

 

[The-Hive]

Did you know sandals were invented by a Frenchman Philippe Philopp

 

[Subscriber43]

A woman speeds by a motorcycle cop holding a radar gun.
He pulls her over and asks, “What’s the rush?”
She replies, “I’m on my way to assist in an emergency procedure at the hospital.”
The cop asks what she does in the ER.
“I’m an a**hole stretcher,” she says.
The cop scratches his head.
She explains, “You see, I prep the patient by taking one finger at a time to slowly stretch the a**hole till my hands have made the patient’s a**hole a full six feet open.
”Looking at the woman in shock, he inquires, “What do you do with a six-foot a**hole?”
The lady says, “Usually we give it a badge and a radar gun.”

 

[Subscriber43]

A couple is shopping in the mall for hours.
The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to.
“Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved the gold locket in the window but we couldn’t afford it, so I told you I would buy it for you one day?”
Choked up, the wife replies, “Yes, how could I forget?”
Her husband goes on, “Well, I’m at the bar next door to it if you need me.”

 

[elbmek]

Did you know sandles were invented by a Frenchman Philippe Philopp

sandals

 

[The-Hive]

sandals

It appears there are two ways of spelling it

 

[cereberus]

What did Caesar shout when he saw Hannibal's elephants coming over the hill?

Swim for it!

 

[Subscriber43]

Romance, then and now...

 

[cereberus]

After a heavy session on the town, I woke up early to sound of my neighbour inconsiderately mowing lawn at 6.30 AM.

I thought about getting up to complain, but thought "no point in getting in a slanging match - he can just mow around me".

 

[Subscriber43]

I thought she asked if I wanted an orgy.
Then I realised she had said 4G.
My apologies to the lady at the Verizon booth.

 

[firas465]

How many computer programmers are needed to put in a light bulb? None, it's a hardware issue.

 

[firas465]

Why do people not like the Internet? It has a huge e-go.

 

[The-Hive]

This morning i took one of my cats tablets by mistake, don't ask MEOW I did it

 

[Senecio]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my
wife that I would be home by midnight... promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around
2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I
was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when
smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve
o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why,
she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh
damn,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

 

[firas465]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my
wife that I would be home by midnight... promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around
2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I
was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when
smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve
o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why,
she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh
damn,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

LOL :) GOOD ONE

 

[Senecio]

Those of you who are uncles or aunts or grandparents will no doubt be aware of "Wicked Uncle", which sells toys on the internet. If you buy anything from them, they will add you to their mailing list and send you an advertisement every week, followed by a number of very weak jokes. This one appeared in my inbox last week, and I knew it would be perfect for this web site:

We are sad to report that the inventor of autocorrect has died. The funnel will be held tomato.

 

[Senecio]

...and following on from the above, a poem about the precursor to autocorrect:

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a quay and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
It’s rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
It’s letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

 

[Senecio]

A man walked into a pub with a good sized great crested newt perched on his shoulder. He said to the bar man "A pint of your best craft ale for me, Squire, and a saucer of water for Tiny"
The barman started to pull the pint, and asked "Why do you call him Tiny?"

"Because he's my newt"

 

[fafhrd]

5 minutes ago! Russian soldiers caught stealing Windows 11.