Joke Thread

The-Hive · May 28, 2022

I was ask to measure a flagpole, I had to dig it up and lie it down as they wanted the length not the height

The-Hive · Jun 4, 2022

I am going to take up meditation, I think it will be better than sitting around doing nothing

cereberus · Jun 7, 2022

Did you hear about the hypochondriac who went to a champagne party?

WXC · Jun 7, 2022

cereberus said:
Did you hear about the hypochondriac who went to a champagne party?

Good one!

JAM83 · Jun 8, 2022

cereberus said:
Of course, she would block you. She was obviously testing your logic ability - you should have used the more logical 90+% of world version - DD/MM/YYYY.

The day should never come first, plus I live in the United States. We don't use it that way, just like we don't use Celsius.

cereberus · Jun 8, 2022

JMedlock83 said:
The day should never come first, plus I live in the United States. We don't use it that way, just like we don't use Celsius.

The international standards are dd/mm/yyyy. The US has a very parochial NIMBY attitude at times.

As for Celsius and units in general - how archaic!

cereberus · Jun 8, 2022

What is red and silly?

A blood clot.

JAM83 · Jun 8, 2022

cereberus said:
The international standards are dd/mm/yyyy. The US has a very parochial NIMBY attitude at times.

As for Celsius and units in general - how archaic!

That's international. . We're not international. . lol America schools are taught the Imperial System. Now, if we were taught the Metric System, then yeah, the Imperial System wouldn't make sense. . . But, we weren't. . . So, we use miles instead of kilometers, Fahrenheit instead of Celsius, etc. . I don't feel like doing the math conversions. . lol

cereberus · Jun 12, 2022

JMedlock83 said:
That's international. . We're not international. . lol America schools are taught the Imperial System. Now, if we were taught the Metric System, then yeah, the Imperial System wouldn't make sense. . . But, we weren't. . . So, we use miles instead of kilometers, Fahrenheit instead of Celsius, etc. . I don't feel like doing the math conversions. . lol

This is a British site!!!

cereberus · Jun 12, 2022

Canadian government decided to commission a new nuclear reactor and wondered what type to get. They finally decided one of their own design can do.

The-Hive · Jun 12, 2022

I just got back from faith healing, what a waste of time, it was so bad even the man in the wheelchair walked out

JAM83 · Jun 12, 2022

cereberus said:
This is a British site!!!

lol idc if it is or not. . I'm not using the Metric System. I'm just giving you guys heck, I hope ya'll know. .

cereberus · Jun 12, 2022

JMedlock83 said:
lol idc if it is or not. . I'm not using the Metric System. I'm just giving you guys heck, I hope ya'll know. .

Boring.

cereberus · Jun 12, 2022

The problem with political jokes is that they often get elected.

cereberus · Jun 12, 2022

Dr Watson was strugging to get into a locked food cupboard for Mrs Watson as the key was lost.

Sherlock Holmes passed by and told Mrs Hudson to squeeze some lemon juice into the keyhole.

She did so and cupboard was immediately unlocked.

Astonished Dr Watson turned to Sherlock and asked "How did you know that would work?"

Sherlock replied "Lemon entry, my dear Watson"

The-Hive · Jun 13, 2022

It is a funny day today, first of all I found an old hat full of money then I got chased by a man with a guitar

elbmek · Jun 17, 2022

For Senecio:

I was born in Yorkshire, and very proud of that fact. It all started with god beholding nothing. He looked at our universe and was troubled, so he threw a banger into the nothing and it produced 'something'. He swirled his finger in the something and it began to form hydrogen molecules and eventually matter. He swirled his finger yet again and the solar system swirled tighter and tighter into a swirling dense gas cloud. The pressure being such that the Sun was born and blazed forth in all his glory. This swirling mass began dust, then became rock and became rocky clumps which grew in most cases into planets. One of these was in the 'goldilocks zone'. I am totally UNreligious but the story goes that when god created the earth he started with Yorkshire. This was his base of operations.

He made it ideal so he could feel comfortable whilst building the rest. He had put the seas and oceans on but didn't like the sea on both sides so he created Lancashire to keep the sea away in the west. He peopled Lancashire with those he deemed unworthy to be of good Yorkshire stock. Being of a superior vintage, the good folk of Yorkshire began their own language, known as godspeak. He looked upon this land and knew it to be perfect and was well chuffed. He knew balance was required so he created the best footy team in the other side of the Pennines, in Manchester. So Newton Heath was born. Then he coloured them red. So, there we have it, as we all know, god was a Yorkshireman.